My Carnival

Today I went to the rodeo, one of my absolute favorite times of the year.  Surrounded by friends and children with sparkling spurs in their eyes as they dreamed of stardom as cowboys, many a brave souls were bucked high into the sky by wild bulls and horses whizzed around motionless barrels.  Of course after the show it was time to hit up the carnival, a dreaded and dreary part of the day.

I walked around with a friend and some kids as their pupils were enlarged and their smiles unending as they frantically searched to and fro, looking for the perfect ride to hand over a ticket for.  We walked from one creaky ride to another as I stood back and watched, taking pictures while holding the purse and jackets and listening to the screams above.  The blinking lights all around became a blur and the screams and laughter and over-ambitious carnies yelling became a hushed white noise as I began to reflect on the painful reality of my carnival, a carnival that I had been a part of for almost 30 years.

For years I have hid behind a mask of fear when it comes to roller coasters and carnival rides.  Many requests have been thrown out for me to go on a ride with someone, and every time it has been turned down.  It's much easier to play the role of a chicken than it is to admit the truth, and I have grown quite comfortable with my typical fear.  But the truth is this, I'm not afraid of a ride or dying on a ride.  But I'm afraid I won't fit, and that I will be rejected and turned away.

It was years ago when I had spent nearly an hour in a line with friends for a ride.  We finally made it to the top, and as I loaded my heart nearly sank as I discovered that the safety harness would not close.  The attendant came up and said I would not be able to ride, and in front of a crowd of countless people, I walked away with my head down and covered in shame at what I had allowed myself to become.  Ever since then, I have not attempted to get on a ride.

It seems as though food has been my carnival, a quick fix for entertainment and a temporary teaser for satisfaction.  For years it has been on again and off again, and little did I know what 20+ years of this lifestyle would allow me to become.  No, I'm not looking into any funny mirrors.  This is the reality of who I have become, and the downs are much more consistent than the highs.  Some have called it a disease, I call it a cancer of the soul.  It plagues your life, paralyzes your dreams, and echos your fears for the world to hear.

After hours of reflecting tonight, my head is no longer held down for I know that I am on the path to wholeness and healing.  The Lord has been so gracious and patient with me, giving me strength for every day of the journey.  4 weeks into the journey, I have lost ten pounds...now only having 172 pounds left to lose.  While I am thankful for the progress made thus far, I know I have so much more to go.  But one day, yes one day, I will be in the line with all of the other excited ones, and I will scream with delight as I whirl around knowing that with Jesus, I have overcome the greatest obstacle of all...myself.