Today I picked up my cookie dough, I'd received 30 calls about it since Friday. It was the dreaded moment I'd hoped to avoid. Having missed lunch today, having discipleship group with 80 5th graders and teaching on the crucifixion of Jesus, I was hungry. And somehow those 2 tubs of carefully selected cookie dough worth $30 seemed that much more appealing.
I had 2 university students in the van with me who had come to help out this week. We had finished dropping the children off and began talking and sharing together. I told them of my 100 day journey to break the addiction of sugar in m life, one spoke of being addicted to sex outside of marriage and because of Jesus she was celebrating 3 years of purity and teaching other young women about who they are in Christ. The other spoke of her 5 months of freedom from cutting and self-injuring that Jesus had freed her from and it was in those quiet moments that I realized something.
All is grace when shared in the shadow of the cross. It was no small thing that today's message was about the highest price that Christ paid for our freedom, and of all the students that could have been in my van it was these two, both of whom are staying in different host homes this week. With a sheepish grin on my face I knew what I was to do. Handing them each a tub of cookie dough I congratulated them on their new-found freedom and I told them I wanted them to celebrate with their peers tonight, to lift up prayers of thanks to a God who would rescue them, and not only rescue but restore.
It doesn't matter what your hang up is, because Jesus was hung up so you could be free of your hang ups. It's all good but it's all God. Confessions of a struggle through the unplanned bad chapters of our lives, the excitement and passion of one who's been freed and so desperately wants other young women to know what she had to learn the hard way, and the freely giving and blessing of cookie dough that once would've been a stumbling block, yes all is grace. And when all is grace and every line of every chapter in our stories is written within the shadow of the cross, then and only then can so beautiful a community arise and together, yes we are better together. Grace and peace.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Short and Sweet
I don't have much to say today, simply out of pure exhaustion. Yesterday I went to San Antonio and back, tomorrow I am teaching a group of 90 5th graders, and I am operating on 5 hours of sleep. With that being said, I'm so thankful to God for His grace which has sustained me and carried me thus far. Day 7 is complete, and with that being said, we are still on target-no sugar. I feel good, I feel better, I feel confident knowing that I am taking one step to a healthier me. I have been so overwhelmed by the love, support, encouragement, Scriptures, texts, emails, etc. that so many of you have shown, thank you...I am truly humbled. For now, it's off to Zzz land and hopefully tomorrow will start with a green smoothie! Grace and peace.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Remembering
Today I remembered. It's the first time in months that I've remembered. In fleeting moments of self-gratification something hushed me, the Spirit halted me. Needing to get on the road to pick up a group of university students who were coming to serve, this morning was a mad dash. Breakfast-skipped. All I had was a small bag of chips and a drink, so finally at 4:00 I had lunch. It was a small quesadilla, my hunger was fierce. Ready to go order something else, to give into that demanding flesh at a moment's notice (which was very much legitimate and valid), something stopped me. It was then I remembered.
I remembered my little brothers and sisters in Haiti, the way their smiles lit up a world full of darkness. I remember the tears in their eyes as they told me of their unrelenting hunger. I remember how hard it was to eat a simple meal as hungry orphans watched from a distance. I remembered the way I felt so convicted after living there for 2 weeks for so many reasons but for one in particular. In Haiti, they eat for survival. In America, I eat for pleasure. Thanking God for my simple quesadilla, I remembered.
Tonight I'm at a dinner with friends and colleagues after 7 hours on the road. It's dessert time around here, cakes and ice cream galore. While it'd be so simple to cave for a fleeting moment of pleasure, tonight I remember. And somehow deep within I truly believe that every single choice I make is for better, as long as I stay the course. And tonight, my "no" is someone else's "yes"...praying that God will feed the hungry children of the world and that somehow, my excess would fill someone else's need. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me, I'm forever grateful. Grace and peace.
I remembered my little brothers and sisters in Haiti, the way their smiles lit up a world full of darkness. I remember the tears in their eyes as they told me of their unrelenting hunger. I remember how hard it was to eat a simple meal as hungry orphans watched from a distance. I remembered the way I felt so convicted after living there for 2 weeks for so many reasons but for one in particular. In Haiti, they eat for survival. In America, I eat for pleasure. Thanking God for my simple quesadilla, I remembered.
Tonight I'm at a dinner with friends and colleagues after 7 hours on the road. It's dessert time around here, cakes and ice cream galore. While it'd be so simple to cave for a fleeting moment of pleasure, tonight I remember. And somehow deep within I truly believe that every single choice I make is for better, as long as I stay the course. And tonight, my "no" is someone else's "yes"...praying that God will feed the hungry children of the world and that somehow, my excess would fill someone else's need. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me, I'm forever grateful. Grace and peace.
Friday, March 22, 2013
I didn't want to blog today; I'm tired, my laptop is packed away, it's just another day...blah, blah, blah. And then she called, the one who has been my biggest fan. From womb-mates to roommates and now best friends for life, she's always cheered me on to greater and bigger things. Her plea? "I'm waiting for your blog post." And then I'm reminded why I began blogging in the first place-it's not about me, but all of the ones around me. So with less than an hour left for today, here I am.
As I reflect on today, Day 5 of my 100 Day Challenge, here's my recurring thought; even the most bitter of things in life can be sweet when viewed from another perspective. I had coffee with a friend this morning, and this small joint has the world's best hot chocolate (and I don't even like hot chocolate). I settled for a cup of joe and much to my surprise they had sugar- free cinnamon syrup. Perfect! With spoon so dainty I stirred my cream and we laughed together. One sip, ugh. Two sips, blech. Three sips, JUST GIMME A HOT CHOCOLATE-SUGAR AND ALL!!!!! It was awful, bitter, undrinkable even when I thought about thirsty children in Haiti.
The rest of my day would unfold like the frantic Friday I never desired: A car pulled right out in front of my bus loaded with children (talk about abruptly stopping the Twinkie), I got lost for 15 minutes in downtown San Angelo (that has to be a world record), my dog was sick and $100 later has a 103 fever, needed 3 shots and still won't eat , and then he threw up later and it seems as if today was just crazy.
But as I lay here, I'm thankful. Because what could have been a major accident was not. What could have been a dead dog is not. And what was once getting lost turned into running into a very dear friend of mine. And the sugar-free syrup? Let's just call it a wink from God, a reminder that He sees me and knows me and loves me. Oh what grace the Father has lavished on me. All truly is grace, and the bitter can be sweet...when truly understanding and thanking God for His mercy...BUT GOD. Mercies new every morning. Grace and peace. And no......I didn't drink the hot chocolate! :)
As I reflect on today, Day 5 of my 100 Day Challenge, here's my recurring thought; even the most bitter of things in life can be sweet when viewed from another perspective. I had coffee with a friend this morning, and this small joint has the world's best hot chocolate (and I don't even like hot chocolate). I settled for a cup of joe and much to my surprise they had sugar- free cinnamon syrup. Perfect! With spoon so dainty I stirred my cream and we laughed together. One sip, ugh. Two sips, blech. Three sips, JUST GIMME A HOT CHOCOLATE-SUGAR AND ALL!!!!! It was awful, bitter, undrinkable even when I thought about thirsty children in Haiti.
The rest of my day would unfold like the frantic Friday I never desired: A car pulled right out in front of my bus loaded with children (talk about abruptly stopping the Twinkie), I got lost for 15 minutes in downtown San Angelo (that has to be a world record), my dog was sick and $100 later has a 103 fever, needed 3 shots and still won't eat , and then he threw up later and it seems as if today was just crazy.
But as I lay here, I'm thankful. Because what could have been a major accident was not. What could have been a dead dog is not. And what was once getting lost turned into running into a very dear friend of mine. And the sugar-free syrup? Let's just call it a wink from God, a reminder that He sees me and knows me and loves me. Oh what grace the Father has lavished on me. All truly is grace, and the bitter can be sweet...when truly understanding and thanking God for His mercy...BUT GOD. Mercies new every morning. Grace and peace. And no......I didn't drink the hot chocolate! :)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Just Stand
A student called me today, right in the midst of every fiber of my world unraveling. "Tara, your cookie dough has arrived." Oh yeah, that was 2 tubs of cookie dough at $30.00 that I order eons ago. And now, on Day 4 of my 100 day journey, it's here? Of course. Breathe deep, look up, and find courage. Of all days, it would arrive today. No small irony or test I'm sure.
What do you do when darkness invades and light seems to fade? Stand. When the oceans roar and the waves rage against what you've worked so hard to build? Stand. When hope seems to fade more quickly than the one thing you've been praying for and praying for? Stand. There's a verse that talks about this, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." (Ephesians 6:13)
Stand firm, keep standing, stand together. Some days you have to reach out to the ones around you and link arms, drawing strength from one another and looking to Jesus for all things, yes ALL things. Could this really be possible, will the storm really pass? Is God big enough to stitch my unraveling and gracious enough to mend what I've ripped apart?
Putting on my helmet, I remember that I am saved, saved from eternal damnation in hell, saved from my own suffocating self-righteousness, saved from myself. Fully saved. I strap on my breastplate of righteousness for it is Christ and His precious blood that He spilled so graciously out that makes me righteous, like a new wool sweater so pure He covers me. The sword of the Spirit, perhaps covered with dust but never losing it's sharp edge, I am once again reminded of my need for more of the Word; what few verses I actually know seem to be on repeat and it's not enough. Buckling my belt I am fastened by the truth, fastened by the fact that God is big enough and is is He that arms me with strenght and brings down my enemies before me. My shield of faith, I love it. I love to watch it grow, I believe in a God who is greater even when my arms are weary. And my feet, they've covered. Covered with gospel of peace, which means every place I step I bring the peace of the gospel.
What do you do when you've done all you know to do? Just stand. Grace and peace.
What do you do when darkness invades and light seems to fade? Stand. When the oceans roar and the waves rage against what you've worked so hard to build? Stand. When hope seems to fade more quickly than the one thing you've been praying for and praying for? Stand. There's a verse that talks about this, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." (Ephesians 6:13)
Stand firm, keep standing, stand together. Some days you have to reach out to the ones around you and link arms, drawing strength from one another and looking to Jesus for all things, yes ALL things. Could this really be possible, will the storm really pass? Is God big enough to stitch my unraveling and gracious enough to mend what I've ripped apart?
Putting on my helmet, I remember that I am saved, saved from eternal damnation in hell, saved from my own suffocating self-righteousness, saved from myself. Fully saved. I strap on my breastplate of righteousness for it is Christ and His precious blood that He spilled so graciously out that makes me righteous, like a new wool sweater so pure He covers me. The sword of the Spirit, perhaps covered with dust but never losing it's sharp edge, I am once again reminded of my need for more of the Word; what few verses I actually know seem to be on repeat and it's not enough. Buckling my belt I am fastened by the truth, fastened by the fact that God is big enough and is is He that arms me with strenght and brings down my enemies before me. My shield of faith, I love it. I love to watch it grow, I believe in a God who is greater even when my arms are weary. And my feet, they've covered. Covered with gospel of peace, which means every place I step I bring the peace of the gospel.
What do you do when you've done all you know to do? Just stand. Grace and peace.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wage War
Day 3 hit hard this morning as I woke up having withdrawls and feeling incredibly sick. Sometimes you don't fully understand the bad choice you've made until trying to undo it one day. All the times of eating sugar, of indulging for temporary pleasure now reared it's ugly head and before even putting one foot to the floor I felt defeated. I had two options, retreat or advance. I stumbled to the shower and began praying Scripture over myself, it was time to wage war. Oh sure 2+1=3 and it's only Day 3 but when you've crawled your way to get to this place you don't just let go so easily.
I would then sit in the courthouse for several hours as part of a jury panel, have several meetings, teach children about our identities in Christ, come home for some dog training with Tracker and then head off to church. And trust me, I was ever so glad when they said let us go to the house of the Lord one more time. The worship was wonderful, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops..."I AM A FRIEND OF GOD!!" And then what unfolded next moved me so deeply.
I watched as an older mother gave testimony to God for one more day, no seriously, she was just that thankful for one more day. A lady thanked God for His protection because she had unknowingly driven her car with a gas line leak. And then another sister, she began to weep before God as she thanked Him for freedom, grace and mercy. You see, she had been addicted to drugs. And she has a fight in her, to get her life right before God and man, to have her chicken back, to be free. I empathized with her, remembering my own year of fighting to get clean and sober. Those were grueling days, long nights, impossibility after impossibility BUT GOD.
Truth be known, we all have something we are fighting for. This whole journey of 100 days with no sugar is not about losing weight, but about breaking addiction in my life. It's a fight, maybe one that few understand. But I'm in it to win it. And as I watched my sister weep before God tonight and I heard a mother celebrating one more day of life, though it be slow and frail, and I hear another recognize the goodness of God over her, I can't help but to be overwhelmed at the goodness of my God.
Why can I celebrate 3 days with no sugar? Because I'm free. Why can I wake up and fight again tomorrow? Because Christ fights on my behalf. Why can the elderly dance before the Lord and once former addicts shout with victory and the church of God advance though every enemy rises up against it? Because if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? May you see all the ways in which God fights for you, grace and peace.
I would then sit in the courthouse for several hours as part of a jury panel, have several meetings, teach children about our identities in Christ, come home for some dog training with Tracker and then head off to church. And trust me, I was ever so glad when they said let us go to the house of the Lord one more time. The worship was wonderful, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops..."I AM A FRIEND OF GOD!!" And then what unfolded next moved me so deeply.
I watched as an older mother gave testimony to God for one more day, no seriously, she was just that thankful for one more day. A lady thanked God for His protection because she had unknowingly driven her car with a gas line leak. And then another sister, she began to weep before God as she thanked Him for freedom, grace and mercy. You see, she had been addicted to drugs. And she has a fight in her, to get her life right before God and man, to have her chicken back, to be free. I empathized with her, remembering my own year of fighting to get clean and sober. Those were grueling days, long nights, impossibility after impossibility BUT GOD.
Truth be known, we all have something we are fighting for. This whole journey of 100 days with no sugar is not about losing weight, but about breaking addiction in my life. It's a fight, maybe one that few understand. But I'm in it to win it. And as I watched my sister weep before God tonight and I heard a mother celebrating one more day of life, though it be slow and frail, and I hear another recognize the goodness of God over her, I can't help but to be overwhelmed at the goodness of my God.
Why can I celebrate 3 days with no sugar? Because I'm free. Why can I wake up and fight again tomorrow? Because Christ fights on my behalf. Why can the elderly dance before the Lord and once former addicts shout with victory and the church of God advance though every enemy rises up against it? Because if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? May you see all the ways in which God fights for you, grace and peace.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
What You Don't Know
It's amazing what you don't know sometimes. It's only Day 2 and I am already learning what I did not know. Then again, maybe I just forgot. I was hungry last night, and I've been hungry today. I guess I never realized just how much sugar I actually consumed on a day-to-day basis, you'd think I'd never snacked on anything else before. Little did I know just how much of this toxin I kept putting in my body day after day. A coworker of mine is running a half marathon this weekend, and a mutual friend of ours ran a 10k over the weekend. I then chimed in and said I run the 0k, and we all laughed. But as I've reflected on that silly joke, it's really true. I can't remember the last day I had experienced with minimal pain in my body, where I felt confident in who I was, where I just felt good. It's been awhile, so in all reality, I guess it is all about being ok. This may just only be Day 2, but it's one day closer to my not running the 0k. It won't be long now before I'm out there doing whatever it is I really want to be doing; no setbacks, no hinderances, no jokes about complacency secretly being my reality. And by the way, to the friend who texted me this today-"Sugar is stupid! You don't need it! :)" THANKS! Thank you to each of you sharing this journey with me, may Jesus completely satisfy us all, whatever our cravings may be, He is big enough. Grace and peace.
Monday, March 18, 2013
100 Days
2 years. It's been 2 years since I've last seen this blog. Last night I stayed up one yawn too late reading all of my entries, I remembered. I remembered the journey the Lord had taken me on, the success, the defeat, the tears and sweat flowing freely as I worked so hard towards a goal. And then life happened. I had lost 30 pounds. 2 years later I weigh more than I ever have in my life, my knee is all kinds of pain and problems, and my dreams are closer than they've ever been before.
Coming back from Haiti this past January, I began to feel convicted about my weight and health. In Haiti, they eat for survival...2 meals a day. In America, I eat for pleasure. Though it was painful to see and much more difficult to admit, I began to see how food and my way of living was a problem. Feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do, I pushed it aside. Clearly God spoke then, He spoke to me 2 weeks ago while at a retreat, and He's speaking now. I'd be a fool to not head the voice that has the power to change it all.
I have more responsibilities at work than ever before, am training my dog, am actively involved with both churches that I attend, as well as writing a book, I am busy to say the least. I have prayed and asked God what direction to go, and I kept hearing the same thing over and over: "100 days. No sugar." Trust me, it's the last thing I wanted to hear. But nonetheless, that's what it was.
So this is Day 1 for me-so far, so good. I'm not commiting to any amount of physical activity, I'm so restricted right now anyhow because of knee and back issues. I've simply set 1 goal for myself. 100 days. And I will do my absolute best to blog my journey every day. It'll be real, it'll be raw, it'll be fun. Thank you for taking this journey with me, with our God for us than what could ever stop us? It's time for ME to get out of the way and to let GOD have HIS way. I can't wait to see what the next 99 days hold, will you journey with me and pray me through? It's time to clean up the temple, a season of personal rebuilding as God does a great work of restoration. Grace to you friend!
Coming back from Haiti this past January, I began to feel convicted about my weight and health. In Haiti, they eat for survival...2 meals a day. In America, I eat for pleasure. Though it was painful to see and much more difficult to admit, I began to see how food and my way of living was a problem. Feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do, I pushed it aside. Clearly God spoke then, He spoke to me 2 weeks ago while at a retreat, and He's speaking now. I'd be a fool to not head the voice that has the power to change it all.
I have more responsibilities at work than ever before, am training my dog, am actively involved with both churches that I attend, as well as writing a book, I am busy to say the least. I have prayed and asked God what direction to go, and I kept hearing the same thing over and over: "100 days. No sugar." Trust me, it's the last thing I wanted to hear. But nonetheless, that's what it was.
So this is Day 1 for me-so far, so good. I'm not commiting to any amount of physical activity, I'm so restricted right now anyhow because of knee and back issues. I've simply set 1 goal for myself. 100 days. And I will do my absolute best to blog my journey every day. It'll be real, it'll be raw, it'll be fun. Thank you for taking this journey with me, with our God for us than what could ever stop us? It's time for ME to get out of the way and to let GOD have HIS way. I can't wait to see what the next 99 days hold, will you journey with me and pray me through? It's time to clean up the temple, a season of personal rebuilding as God does a great work of restoration. Grace to you friend!
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