It's been a little over a month since I began my journey, a journey of lifestyle changes for optimal health and in some feeble way, a journey to make up for lost time. There have been many things that I have learned along the way, and today's entry will be a mix of the hodge podge of those lessons learned. I find it important and helpful to reflect along the way, for in so doing I find great strength and encouragement to continue on.
I have learned that while our struggles may look different and there is sometimes no connecting factor at all, I am not alone. There have been so many who have cheered me on from their own corners of the world, raising hope and being pillars of strength in the weariest of times. There is a unity and empowerment that comes when souls join together and work sacrificially towards a common good, bringing out the best in each one of us. To those who have so faithfully given, encouraged, prayed, and applauded...thank you, I truly could not have made it this far without you.
I have learned that nothing changes overnight. As it takes time to put on the pounds over the years, it certainly takes time to take them off. A motivation to live healthier does not come with a good night's sleep, but with a constant reminder of where you are and an intentional look at who you hope to one day be. I never would have believed that I am where I am today, both in the good and the bad. Is it easy? No. But is there joy in the journey along the way? Yes. I believe there is a lot of truth in 1 Corinthians 9:14, both in the spiritual realm and in the physical realm. I have not reached my finish line yet...I must press forward.
I have also been learning who I truly am. I am only defined by what I allow myself to be defined by. For years I have lived under these word curses and false identities, i.e. the chubby one, the kid that's always been big since kindergarten, the out-of-shape grandma, etc. I was shocked today as I calculated my BMI and looked at my weight loss goals, the website referred to me as "morbidly obese." While this may be true of my current physical condition, this is not who I am as a person. I refuse to be defined by anything other than what my Lord and Savior Jesus defines me as. What does He say about who I am? Jesus says that I am more than a conqueror, an overcomer actually.
With the people surrounding me, the patience I pray for, and the power and persistence that Jesus is giving me...I will come out on top. And as I continue to lose more of me day by day, week by week, I will gain more of Him and everything He has promised me. Gaining by losing...yes, that is the way of my Master and His kingdom. With 169 pounds left to go, I wait in eager and hopeful anticipation of the greater things that are yet to come!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Carnival
Today I went to the rodeo, one of my absolute favorite times of the year. Surrounded by friends and children with sparkling spurs in their eyes as they dreamed of stardom as cowboys, many a brave souls were bucked high into the sky by wild bulls and horses whizzed around motionless barrels. Of course after the show it was time to hit up the carnival, a dreaded and dreary part of the day.
I walked around with a friend and some kids as their pupils were enlarged and their smiles unending as they frantically searched to and fro, looking for the perfect ride to hand over a ticket for. We walked from one creaky ride to another as I stood back and watched, taking pictures while holding the purse and jackets and listening to the screams above. The blinking lights all around became a blur and the screams and laughter and over-ambitious carnies yelling became a hushed white noise as I began to reflect on the painful reality of my carnival, a carnival that I had been a part of for almost 30 years.
For years I have hid behind a mask of fear when it comes to roller coasters and carnival rides. Many requests have been thrown out for me to go on a ride with someone, and every time it has been turned down. It's much easier to play the role of a chicken than it is to admit the truth, and I have grown quite comfortable with my typical fear. But the truth is this, I'm not afraid of a ride or dying on a ride. But I'm afraid I won't fit, and that I will be rejected and turned away.
It was years ago when I had spent nearly an hour in a line with friends for a ride. We finally made it to the top, and as I loaded my heart nearly sank as I discovered that the safety harness would not close. The attendant came up and said I would not be able to ride, and in front of a crowd of countless people, I walked away with my head down and covered in shame at what I had allowed myself to become. Ever since then, I have not attempted to get on a ride.
It seems as though food has been my carnival, a quick fix for entertainment and a temporary teaser for satisfaction. For years it has been on again and off again, and little did I know what 20+ years of this lifestyle would allow me to become. No, I'm not looking into any funny mirrors. This is the reality of who I have become, and the downs are much more consistent than the highs. Some have called it a disease, I call it a cancer of the soul. It plagues your life, paralyzes your dreams, and echos your fears for the world to hear.
After hours of reflecting tonight, my head is no longer held down for I know that I am on the path to wholeness and healing. The Lord has been so gracious and patient with me, giving me strength for every day of the journey. 4 weeks into the journey, I have lost ten pounds...now only having 172 pounds left to lose. While I am thankful for the progress made thus far, I know I have so much more to go. But one day, yes one day, I will be in the line with all of the other excited ones, and I will scream with delight as I whirl around knowing that with Jesus, I have overcome the greatest obstacle of all...myself.
I walked around with a friend and some kids as their pupils were enlarged and their smiles unending as they frantically searched to and fro, looking for the perfect ride to hand over a ticket for. We walked from one creaky ride to another as I stood back and watched, taking pictures while holding the purse and jackets and listening to the screams above. The blinking lights all around became a blur and the screams and laughter and over-ambitious carnies yelling became a hushed white noise as I began to reflect on the painful reality of my carnival, a carnival that I had been a part of for almost 30 years.
For years I have hid behind a mask of fear when it comes to roller coasters and carnival rides. Many requests have been thrown out for me to go on a ride with someone, and every time it has been turned down. It's much easier to play the role of a chicken than it is to admit the truth, and I have grown quite comfortable with my typical fear. But the truth is this, I'm not afraid of a ride or dying on a ride. But I'm afraid I won't fit, and that I will be rejected and turned away.
It was years ago when I had spent nearly an hour in a line with friends for a ride. We finally made it to the top, and as I loaded my heart nearly sank as I discovered that the safety harness would not close. The attendant came up and said I would not be able to ride, and in front of a crowd of countless people, I walked away with my head down and covered in shame at what I had allowed myself to become. Ever since then, I have not attempted to get on a ride.
It seems as though food has been my carnival, a quick fix for entertainment and a temporary teaser for satisfaction. For years it has been on again and off again, and little did I know what 20+ years of this lifestyle would allow me to become. No, I'm not looking into any funny mirrors. This is the reality of who I have become, and the downs are much more consistent than the highs. Some have called it a disease, I call it a cancer of the soul. It plagues your life, paralyzes your dreams, and echos your fears for the world to hear.
After hours of reflecting tonight, my head is no longer held down for I know that I am on the path to wholeness and healing. The Lord has been so gracious and patient with me, giving me strength for every day of the journey. 4 weeks into the journey, I have lost ten pounds...now only having 172 pounds left to lose. While I am thankful for the progress made thus far, I know I have so much more to go. But one day, yes one day, I will be in the line with all of the other excited ones, and I will scream with delight as I whirl around knowing that with Jesus, I have overcome the greatest obstacle of all...myself.
Monday, February 14, 2011
ReAwakened
The blog has been quiet for several days, almost in a coma of sorts. There is barely life from within, yet the urgency of the situation demands that life be breathed into it's bones once again. Is it time to give up and go home? Time to pack the shoes away and call it a day? Oh no, for life and life abundantly is just beginning. I have a new number, yes I do. And within a week the number of pounds that remain and are needing to be lost is no longer 173, but 170. 9 pounds within 3 weeks, nothing short of a miracle quite honestly. I have spent a lot of time reflecting the last few days, and the things that I have seen are devastatingly beautiful. Mind if I share?
When I was eleven years old, I was at the prime time of my basketball career. I had just placed 3rd in the state of Indiana for my age group, and I was so excited and encouraged. Months later as I was preparing to further my basketball career, I dislocated my hip. The ball of my hip joint literally came out of socket and if not corrected immediately, one leg would be shorter than the other. Needless to say, I had surgery and was not able to walk on that leg for nearly 9 months. A year later, I went back to get cleared and the doctor informed me that I had dislocated the other one from walking on it too much. I was devastated beyond words, speechless and in shock. Within 3 years I had 3 surgeries, and little did I know how much life would change for me. My doctor informed me that I would have the hips of an eighty-year old for the rest of my life, and I heard this news in the body of a thirteen year old. I tried to keep playing basketball, and I never fully rebounded. I could no longer sit on the ground or indian-style for that matter. It didn't take much for my hips to wear out and ache. And slowly but surely, I watched as my dream of a basketball career faded away.
Nearly 15 years later, the Lord gave me yet another dream. This time? To be a boxer, an amateur fighter. I began watching fights on tv, reading books, and even purchased all the gear that I would need. A friend of mine began coaching me, and I began fighting people on the side. It didn't take long for me to discover that getting hit, hurt. And that if I were going to go anywhere with this, I would need to get in much better shape. So through a series of events and conversations with the Lord and direction from the Holy Spirit, I laced up my shoes once again to get serious about getting healthy and living out my dreams.
Last week as I was working out my hip began to ache again. Needless to say, I was discouraged and frustrated. I continued trying to work out, but the pain worsened and my determination was dropping like frozen rain upon the glass of my fragile soul. By the end of the week, I was only completing 75% of my scheduled workouts, and even took an extra day off for rest. I began to wrestle through this and sort through the things I was feeling. Would I ever make it? Was this all a lost cause? Were my dreams meant to just be meditated upon in the stillness of the night?
Saturday evening some friends pulled me aside and wanted to talk with me. They then handed me one of the most beautiful pictures ever, a wooden painting of some well-used boxing gloves and tickets. And of course there was a note attached with encouragement and strength penned throughout. The tears began flowing from my eyes as my heart began pumping and my spirits were lifted. In that moment, a dream was reawakened within. Moments later another dear friend of mine pulled me aside to say that the Lord had laid it upon her heart months ago to be praying for me and that I would be able to lose every pound that I wanted. I began to cry and dance within, for I was reminded once again that yes, the Lord was behind it all. And beyond the greatness of Him being behind it all, He was behind me and for me, cheering me on every step of the way.
When I was eleven years old, I was at the prime time of my basketball career. I had just placed 3rd in the state of Indiana for my age group, and I was so excited and encouraged. Months later as I was preparing to further my basketball career, I dislocated my hip. The ball of my hip joint literally came out of socket and if not corrected immediately, one leg would be shorter than the other. Needless to say, I had surgery and was not able to walk on that leg for nearly 9 months. A year later, I went back to get cleared and the doctor informed me that I had dislocated the other one from walking on it too much. I was devastated beyond words, speechless and in shock. Within 3 years I had 3 surgeries, and little did I know how much life would change for me. My doctor informed me that I would have the hips of an eighty-year old for the rest of my life, and I heard this news in the body of a thirteen year old. I tried to keep playing basketball, and I never fully rebounded. I could no longer sit on the ground or indian-style for that matter. It didn't take much for my hips to wear out and ache. And slowly but surely, I watched as my dream of a basketball career faded away.
Nearly 15 years later, the Lord gave me yet another dream. This time? To be a boxer, an amateur fighter. I began watching fights on tv, reading books, and even purchased all the gear that I would need. A friend of mine began coaching me, and I began fighting people on the side. It didn't take long for me to discover that getting hit, hurt. And that if I were going to go anywhere with this, I would need to get in much better shape. So through a series of events and conversations with the Lord and direction from the Holy Spirit, I laced up my shoes once again to get serious about getting healthy and living out my dreams.
Last week as I was working out my hip began to ache again. Needless to say, I was discouraged and frustrated. I continued trying to work out, but the pain worsened and my determination was dropping like frozen rain upon the glass of my fragile soul. By the end of the week, I was only completing 75% of my scheduled workouts, and even took an extra day off for rest. I began to wrestle through this and sort through the things I was feeling. Would I ever make it? Was this all a lost cause? Were my dreams meant to just be meditated upon in the stillness of the night?
Saturday evening some friends pulled me aside and wanted to talk with me. They then handed me one of the most beautiful pictures ever, a wooden painting of some well-used boxing gloves and tickets. And of course there was a note attached with encouragement and strength penned throughout. The tears began flowing from my eyes as my heart began pumping and my spirits were lifted. In that moment, a dream was reawakened within. Moments later another dear friend of mine pulled me aside to say that the Lord had laid it upon her heart months ago to be praying for me and that I would be able to lose every pound that I wanted. I began to cry and dance within, for I was reminded once again that yes, the Lord was behind it all. And beyond the greatness of Him being behind it all, He was behind me and for me, cheering me on every step of the way.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Hard Lesson Learned
Sometimes victory looks different than crossing the finish line. There are times in which success is not measured by the number of minutes completed or even the distance achieved. While I have spent the last 3 or so weeks training my physical body, today was a lesson of training the mind.
I have a set workout schedule where each day is mapped out with details such as resistance and incline levels, as well as amount of time needed to complete the task. I am also a list person with a dozen to do lists on my phone even. I enjoy crossing things off when completed, I appreciate the confidence and sense of accomplishment I feel when meeting those goals. Today, I did not meet my goal. And I walked away with my head down low and my heart grieved with disappointment.
It seemed as though I had failed, I had missed the mark of what I expected of myself. I was mad that my hip was hurting so much and I just watched my dream fade away. Come to think of it, what sillinesss. Would my dream really slip away by only doing 45 minutes instead of 60? Was I really a complete failure because I ddin't push through this one time? After some real talk, prayer, and thinking...I found the answers I needed.
The truth is that I am not a failure. I am not defined by what I accomplish or don't accomplish. My identity is not the goals with which I set for myself. And no, my dreams are not acomplished overnight. But it's a journey, a process...come to think of it, a slow fade. A slow fade from the foggy lies in which I sometimes vacation to the clear reality that I am learning to walk in. A world of possiblities, a season of grace, and a promise from God of great plans for me and my future. Oh it's a hard lesson to learn, but one of infinite value as I continue to cling to my Father's hand...even when my head doesn't know what I'm doing.
I have a set workout schedule where each day is mapped out with details such as resistance and incline levels, as well as amount of time needed to complete the task. I am also a list person with a dozen to do lists on my phone even. I enjoy crossing things off when completed, I appreciate the confidence and sense of accomplishment I feel when meeting those goals. Today, I did not meet my goal. And I walked away with my head down low and my heart grieved with disappointment.
It seemed as though I had failed, I had missed the mark of what I expected of myself. I was mad that my hip was hurting so much and I just watched my dream fade away. Come to think of it, what sillinesss. Would my dream really slip away by only doing 45 minutes instead of 60? Was I really a complete failure because I ddin't push through this one time? After some real talk, prayer, and thinking...I found the answers I needed.
The truth is that I am not a failure. I am not defined by what I accomplish or don't accomplish. My identity is not the goals with which I set for myself. And no, my dreams are not acomplished overnight. But it's a journey, a process...come to think of it, a slow fade. A slow fade from the foggy lies in which I sometimes vacation to the clear reality that I am learning to walk in. A world of possiblities, a season of grace, and a promise from God of great plans for me and my future. Oh it's a hard lesson to learn, but one of infinite value as I continue to cling to my Father's hand...even when my head doesn't know what I'm doing.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Proven Wrong
It's funny how one can prove themselves wrong again and again. Eventually you realize that most of what you think must be a lie from the pits of hell and so you begin to search out the truth and seek out the real answers rather than settling for your wrong opinions. And when that happens, thus begins the adventure of a lifetime.
Last week I stopped eating meats and sweets. My two favorite edible things are chicken and chocolate, not together of course. And so in doing that, my heart was kind of sad. I thought I would miss them, as though somehow they were my closest of friends. I was wrong. I used to tell myself I had no time to work out, life was just too busy. Little did I realize until recently just how many hours I spent on the couch each day. Wrong again. Stepping on the elliptical always brings a new pain of some sort, and I truly do think that each day I will die, and yet, I manage to live and blog about it. And, definitely wrong there...thank goodness, lol!
Truth be told, I have discovered more joy, peace, and health in these last 3 weeks than I have ever known. I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that applaud my efforts around every corner and I find myself not under the control of food, but having control over it. Ah, this is just a sampling I believe of the abundant life that Jesus must have been talking about. And the best part about it all? None of this defines me or earns me good citizen points. Sure, it has all kinds of benefits and yes, some difficulties at times. But it's even better than that. I know and am known by a God that loves me through it all, whether big or one day small. I am His child, and He is my Father. And so tenderly and sweetly, He brings the truth that forever sets me free...
Last week I stopped eating meats and sweets. My two favorite edible things are chicken and chocolate, not together of course. And so in doing that, my heart was kind of sad. I thought I would miss them, as though somehow they were my closest of friends. I was wrong. I used to tell myself I had no time to work out, life was just too busy. Little did I realize until recently just how many hours I spent on the couch each day. Wrong again. Stepping on the elliptical always brings a new pain of some sort, and I truly do think that each day I will die, and yet, I manage to live and blog about it. And, definitely wrong there...thank goodness, lol!
Truth be told, I have discovered more joy, peace, and health in these last 3 weeks than I have ever known. I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that applaud my efforts around every corner and I find myself not under the control of food, but having control over it. Ah, this is just a sampling I believe of the abundant life that Jesus must have been talking about. And the best part about it all? None of this defines me or earns me good citizen points. Sure, it has all kinds of benefits and yes, some difficulties at times. But it's even better than that. I know and am known by a God that loves me through it all, whether big or one day small. I am His child, and He is my Father. And so tenderly and sweetly, He brings the truth that forever sets me free...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Ashes and Dust
It's been a journey, a long one for sure. I never would have thought that 3 weeks into my journey I would still be living and accomplishing the same goals. Oh there have been more than just a few times where I have wanted to quit, but in His sovereignty the Lord sustains me with His grace and I hear other voices singing a much different tune: Don't quit! I've learned some things along the way; like never eat dinner before running, be careful when getting back on the elliptical as a simple mishap could lead to serious injury, always have water with you, etc. But there are few more profound things that I've discovered along the beaten path that I'd like to share.
Someone asked me recently if I was preparing for a race of some sort, perhaps a 5K or marathon. I began to chuckle on my innards at the mere thought of it, and then I thought about the true race that I was in. There's a verse in the Bible about forgetting what lies behind and looking toward what's ahead, and running as one to win the prize. Yes, that is what all of this was about. For years of my life I have watched the dust of apathy settle in on my sneakers and the cobwebs of complacency cover my dreams. The promises of God seemed as warm and yet as distant as the rays of sunshine, slightly comforting and yet far beyond reach. My jog through life was leading me nowhere but to death. It was time to shake the dust off my sneakers and lace up for real, after all, it is my God who has beckoned me.
There was yet something else still. I have been overwhelmed (in a good way) at the response I have received from this blog. Emails, messages, chats, and conversations have all confirmed one thing in this: I am not alone. Some face possible surgeries recommended by medical staff while others can't carry the weight of their shame and feel the nauseating despair of themselves anymore. It seems as if at every bend of this narrow road the people of God are rising up out of the ashes to claim the victory in Jesus for themselves. The ashes fall to the wayside as rays of hope infiltrate their souls from a God who is all and bigger than all. Yes, the dust is settling and the ashes are blowing away as the winds of change blow through and remind us of a God who is making all things new...
Someone asked me recently if I was preparing for a race of some sort, perhaps a 5K or marathon. I began to chuckle on my innards at the mere thought of it, and then I thought about the true race that I was in. There's a verse in the Bible about forgetting what lies behind and looking toward what's ahead, and running as one to win the prize. Yes, that is what all of this was about. For years of my life I have watched the dust of apathy settle in on my sneakers and the cobwebs of complacency cover my dreams. The promises of God seemed as warm and yet as distant as the rays of sunshine, slightly comforting and yet far beyond reach. My jog through life was leading me nowhere but to death. It was time to shake the dust off my sneakers and lace up for real, after all, it is my God who has beckoned me.
There was yet something else still. I have been overwhelmed (in a good way) at the response I have received from this blog. Emails, messages, chats, and conversations have all confirmed one thing in this: I am not alone. Some face possible surgeries recommended by medical staff while others can't carry the weight of their shame and feel the nauseating despair of themselves anymore. It seems as if at every bend of this narrow road the people of God are rising up out of the ashes to claim the victory in Jesus for themselves. The ashes fall to the wayside as rays of hope infiltrate their souls from a God who is all and bigger than all. Yes, the dust is settling and the ashes are blowing away as the winds of change blow through and remind us of a God who is making all things new...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Fierce Battle
Today was just one of those days, a fierce battle in every way. After a long day at the office with an uphill climb and a desk buried with overwhelming clutter and to-do lists, it was time to go hit up the gym. The first thing I wanted to do? Go home and call it a day early. The last thing I wanted to do? Lace up my shoes and hit up 45 minutes on the elliptical. Nonetheless, there was a greater strength through Jesus at work within me, contrary to my own stubborn self.
I thought that today would be the best workout yet, ready to run off some steam and clear my mind. Interestingly enough, it was my toughest day...and not necessarily in the physical. realm. After all, on Saturday I went for 55 minutes with a resistance of 8. Today? Only 45 minutes with a resistance of 7. My sides began to ache and my stomach hurt, eventually forcing me out of my cicular sway and into the restroom as I lost what little I had in me. Determined to not quit, I hopped back on and continued and realized that today, in this moment, I was in a fierce battle.
I began to think about those words and what that has meant for me in my life. To have stay clean and not pick up another joint for almost 4 years now, that has been a fierce battle. To let go of the nicotine that had been my friend and companion for so many years, that was a fierce battle. To pray for and bless ones that have betrayed me to my face, that has been a fierce battle. And today, to keep going after getting sick and having just one of those days, that was a fierce battle. When I think about 173 and what that looks like, I am disgusted and discouraged. And then it hit me, something that has stirred within my spirit.
We all face battles in our lives, day in and day out. Some of them physical, others emotional, and most of all spiritually too. And it seems as though when the war rages on and the battle is the fiercest, just when you have not one iota of anything left to give, you reach a peak...a moment suspended in time. One can quickly lose any and all momentum, thus swinging backwards on the pendulum of broken dreams. Or one can grasp more tightly, pray more fervently, and hold fast just a bit longer...for just on the other side is the breakthrough you've been waiting for. Today, I held out for my breakthrough. And tomorrow, I hope and pray that I do the same. There is just no time to turn and retreat when in the midst and mess of a fierce battle.
I thought that today would be the best workout yet, ready to run off some steam and clear my mind. Interestingly enough, it was my toughest day...and not necessarily in the physical. realm. After all, on Saturday I went for 55 minutes with a resistance of 8. Today? Only 45 minutes with a resistance of 7. My sides began to ache and my stomach hurt, eventually forcing me out of my cicular sway and into the restroom as I lost what little I had in me. Determined to not quit, I hopped back on and continued and realized that today, in this moment, I was in a fierce battle.
I began to think about those words and what that has meant for me in my life. To have stay clean and not pick up another joint for almost 4 years now, that has been a fierce battle. To let go of the nicotine that had been my friend and companion for so many years, that was a fierce battle. To pray for and bless ones that have betrayed me to my face, that has been a fierce battle. And today, to keep going after getting sick and having just one of those days, that was a fierce battle. When I think about 173 and what that looks like, I am disgusted and discouraged. And then it hit me, something that has stirred within my spirit.
We all face battles in our lives, day in and day out. Some of them physical, others emotional, and most of all spiritually too. And it seems as though when the war rages on and the battle is the fiercest, just when you have not one iota of anything left to give, you reach a peak...a moment suspended in time. One can quickly lose any and all momentum, thus swinging backwards on the pendulum of broken dreams. Or one can grasp more tightly, pray more fervently, and hold fast just a bit longer...for just on the other side is the breakthrough you've been waiting for. Today, I held out for my breakthrough. And tomorrow, I hope and pray that I do the same. There is just no time to turn and retreat when in the midst and mess of a fierce battle.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Rest
Life is full of overly-filled schedules, choked out by the worries of the have-nots and discouraged by the could-nots. Zipping to and fro it seems as if we have missed the point of it all, trying in vain to make things happen on our own and becoming sick with despair when everything fails. Dreams are shattered, hope is crushed, spirits are broken, and people are grumpy.
I have been reflecting tonight on the concept of rest. Sundays are my day off, no shoes to lace up and buttons to program on a machine. And yet, even deeper than that, Sunday is a day of true rest. Oh sure, the laundry gets folded and produce is carefully selected at the supermarket and things are taken care of in preparation for the week ahead, yet there is a shimmering glimmer of hope in this concept of deep rest.
What could that be? Where is the rest when the number of pounds left to lose is 173? What does rest look like when marriages are falling apart? How can one truly rest when your faith looks like a shriveled, wilting plant next to the blossoming cactus of despair? One thing, Jesus.
I rest in Jesus. I rest in the assurance of a God who can do the impossible, both in and through me. I rest in a God of restoration who is beyond capable of restoring and healing any relationship. I rest in a God who knows and understands my foolishness, and yet who beckons me closer and draws me more deeply. I lay aside the weight of it all, and I take His yoke upon me...for He is gentle and humble of heart. (Matthew 11:29). Isn't it Jesus who is the only One capable of carrying the world upon His shoulders? Rest oh weary one, draw near to your beloved, and all of the trifling matters of life will be greatly faded in comparison with His glorious light and overwhelming presence.
I have been reflecting tonight on the concept of rest. Sundays are my day off, no shoes to lace up and buttons to program on a machine. And yet, even deeper than that, Sunday is a day of true rest. Oh sure, the laundry gets folded and produce is carefully selected at the supermarket and things are taken care of in preparation for the week ahead, yet there is a shimmering glimmer of hope in this concept of deep rest.
What could that be? Where is the rest when the number of pounds left to lose is 173? What does rest look like when marriages are falling apart? How can one truly rest when your faith looks like a shriveled, wilting plant next to the blossoming cactus of despair? One thing, Jesus.
I rest in Jesus. I rest in the assurance of a God who can do the impossible, both in and through me. I rest in a God of restoration who is beyond capable of restoring and healing any relationship. I rest in a God who knows and understands my foolishness, and yet who beckons me closer and draws me more deeply. I lay aside the weight of it all, and I take His yoke upon me...for He is gentle and humble of heart. (Matthew 11:29). Isn't it Jesus who is the only One capable of carrying the world upon His shoulders? Rest oh weary one, draw near to your beloved, and all of the trifling matters of life will be greatly faded in comparison with His glorious light and overwhelming presence.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Free The Slave
Saturdays seem to be my toughest day as far as working out goes. I typically prefer to sleep in and yet the sun beckons me to awaken and do the needed, but sometimes not the wanted. I didn't eat breakfast this morning, and so as I dragged my tired body over to my friend's house, I was literally on "E" in every way.
Today was the longest I had ever spent on the elliptical, going for a solid 55 minutes. I found myself having thoughts of death as the machine whirred and my legs ached. Time seemed to stand still as the shuffled list on my iPod began to repeat. With sweat dripping off my face like after a fresh rain shower, I found myself frantically yelling "Free the slave!" in between short breaths of limited oxygen. The hope? That my friend, aka trainer, would have mercy on me and shorten my time. The result? An eye-opening view of the grave reality of my existence.
I have been a slave for nearly 30 years, yoked up with things that Jesus never intended for me to be weighed down with. Self-hatred, addictions to different foods, bondage in sin. Yes, "Free the slave!" became the cry of my raw heart as I asked the Father to deliver me, to free me from all of these self-crippling things that have consumed my life. Oh I love how Jesus came to bring me freedom, in every way and on every level. I am learning to walk and to live in true freedom. So with every achy step to the machine, I step in freedom. With every opt-out for salad over that piece of pie, I choose my freedom. With every spoken promise from God's Word over the constant replay of lies, I speak and listen to freedom.
Truly when the Scriptures say that with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible...this is true. So as the Father continues to free this slave and I learn to walk and dwell in that freedom, I give the praise to Him. For those ones around me that cheer and applaud me on, I can't say thank you enough. And as I celebrate my new number today, 173 left to go, I give glory to God alone...for yes, with God, anything is possible...even freeing the most bounded of slaves!
Today was the longest I had ever spent on the elliptical, going for a solid 55 minutes. I found myself having thoughts of death as the machine whirred and my legs ached. Time seemed to stand still as the shuffled list on my iPod began to repeat. With sweat dripping off my face like after a fresh rain shower, I found myself frantically yelling "Free the slave!" in between short breaths of limited oxygen. The hope? That my friend, aka trainer, would have mercy on me and shorten my time. The result? An eye-opening view of the grave reality of my existence.
I have been a slave for nearly 30 years, yoked up with things that Jesus never intended for me to be weighed down with. Self-hatred, addictions to different foods, bondage in sin. Yes, "Free the slave!" became the cry of my raw heart as I asked the Father to deliver me, to free me from all of these self-crippling things that have consumed my life. Oh I love how Jesus came to bring me freedom, in every way and on every level. I am learning to walk and to live in true freedom. So with every achy step to the machine, I step in freedom. With every opt-out for salad over that piece of pie, I choose my freedom. With every spoken promise from God's Word over the constant replay of lies, I speak and listen to freedom.
Truly when the Scriptures say that with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible...this is true. So as the Father continues to free this slave and I learn to walk and dwell in that freedom, I give the praise to Him. For those ones around me that cheer and applaud me on, I can't say thank you enough. And as I celebrate my new number today, 173 left to go, I give glory to God alone...for yes, with God, anything is possible...even freeing the most bounded of slaves!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Promised Land
For today’s entry I felt led to post the lyrics to one of the things I listen to daily, a great reminder of the options that are set before me and who it is I want to become. This is on an album entitled “Promised Land” by Christian
“The wilderness wanderings of the Israelites have now come to an end, and it’s time for them to enter in to the Promised Land. Though it was going to be challenging and exciting, it was not going to be easy because they were going to face full-blown war with the inhabitants of the land. This battle was started on the day of your conversion and it will rage until the day you go to heaven. You as a follower of Jesus will be targeted, harassed, hassled, and attacked. Why? Simply put, because Satan does not want you to follow Jesus Christ. So here are the two choices that you have before you: You’re either going to be victorious or you’re going to be defeated. You’re either going to advance or you’re going to retreat. You’re either going to stay in the wilderness or you’re going to enter into the Promised Land…or you’re going to be an overcomer or be overcome.”
I have been in this wilderness for far too long, I am tired of singing the same old song. The scenery around here seems to be on repeat, I am exhausted from having walked in my own defeat. So today I choose to be that overcomer, to step in line with the beat of a new drummer. I will not look back nor turn my face away, for victory through Jesus is mine today! Grace and peace to you as you step out of the known into the unknown, from the wilderness into your Promised Land!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Joy In The Journey
Today was a great day. Living life and learning to find joy in the journey has required much patience at times but has definitely been worth it in the end. And today, there was much joy in the journey. It seems that as each day goes by, my body aches all the more and yet my resistance to the lifestyle changes seems to lessen. I couldn't wait for my salad at dinner tonight, and the fact that I scorched the pineapple didn't ruin my day, but brought much laughter. I even had a hint of "Yes!" deep within me as I thought about getting to work out today.
As I finished my workout tonight, I discovered that I set 3 new personal bests: Longest distance (2.09 miles), longest time (45 minutes), and best mile (I couldn't believe my ears on this one!). Ah yes, discipline and hard work does pay off, and truly there is joy in the journey. Of course as I sit here and type, I am aching beyond words. But today, in all things, I have found joy in the journey.
As I finished my workout tonight, I discovered that I set 3 new personal bests: Longest distance (2.09 miles), longest time (45 minutes), and best mile (I couldn't believe my ears on this one!). Ah yes, discipline and hard work does pay off, and truly there is joy in the journey. Of course as I sit here and type, I am aching beyond words. But today, in all things, I have found joy in the journey.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Not Alone
Today I was reminded of something crucial to life and it's journey; I am not alone. I was talking with a friend at work who was just struggling in her journey, finding false comfort in food and no motivation to get back on track. She spoke of this pattern that I think we all find ourselves in from time to time: You do good for a couple of days and then you just bottom out. And without blinking an eye the Lord gave me the words to share.
My friend has been keeping a blog of her journey with the metaphor of Egypt. (sojournerfromegypt.blogspot.com). I was able to remind her today that the Israelites too found themselves in a pattern. The only problem is that there pattern led them to the same circle around the same mountain for 40 years. So this leads me to ask myself two questions?
Do I see and recognize patterns within my life? If so, what are those patterns leading me to? Do I see the same mountain, or am I seeing new horizons? Do I see the same numbers on the scale, or do I see improvements? Do I see dead dreams that just float away with the wind, or do I see myself stepping into the promised land that God has already given me through Jesus?
Who am I surrounding myself with? Are they ones that love Jesus and stand upon His Word? Are they movers and dreamers and true friends? Or are we even surrounding ourselves with anyone? There is strength in numbers, there is fellowship among the faithful. Life was not meant to be lived alone, but the last thing I want to do is surround myself with a bunch of grumbling Israelites.
So to those who have joined me on this journey, I give my heartfelt thanks. I truly could not have made it this far without you. May I be more of an encourager on the journey than a stubborn Israelite. And to the new things I see on the horizon and all that Jesus has for me, I just thank the Father. Yes, I am not alone and for that I am truly grateful!
My friend has been keeping a blog of her journey with the metaphor of Egypt. (sojournerfromegypt.blogspot.com). I was able to remind her today that the Israelites too found themselves in a pattern. The only problem is that there pattern led them to the same circle around the same mountain for 40 years. So this leads me to ask myself two questions?
Do I see and recognize patterns within my life? If so, what are those patterns leading me to? Do I see the same mountain, or am I seeing new horizons? Do I see the same numbers on the scale, or do I see improvements? Do I see dead dreams that just float away with the wind, or do I see myself stepping into the promised land that God has already given me through Jesus?
Who am I surrounding myself with? Are they ones that love Jesus and stand upon His Word? Are they movers and dreamers and true friends? Or are we even surrounding ourselves with anyone? There is strength in numbers, there is fellowship among the faithful. Life was not meant to be lived alone, but the last thing I want to do is surround myself with a bunch of grumbling Israelites.
So to those who have joined me on this journey, I give my heartfelt thanks. I truly could not have made it this far without you. May I be more of an encourager on the journey than a stubborn Israelite. And to the new things I see on the horizon and all that Jesus has for me, I just thank the Father. Yes, I am not alone and for that I am truly grateful!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Why?
I spent the day in a recliner as the snow fell and the winds blew, and thought about everything that I could be accomplishing: Finish a book, work on a new drawing, throw some paint on the canvas, etc. I found my motivation slipping away like the worn souls of my shoes on the ice. I wanted to just go home, not work out, and even just call it a day.
I dragged myself into the beloved elliptical, with everything in me screaming to just walk away. With much resistance and great hesitation, I changed my clothes and slipped on the shoes. Today would be the same journey, with the same songs (yawn), and the same sweat flying and desperate prayers being thrown up to Jesus.
Halfway through my gig, my calf felt as though it were being ripped to shreds and my back began to ache. These were the familiar pains of the body that begged of me to stop, to just give up halfway through. But desperate for a breakthrough, I pressed on. I have been asking myself the reasoning behind why I am doing what I am doing. And a few answers came to mind, with great assurance in tow.
I am not a quitter and can do all things with Jesus in the middle of it. I believe in myself enough to not let me get in the way, even when it seems an all-out war will break out. I have dreams that I can't just sleep away. I will not be defined by how I look or even how I feel, but by the very choices I make each day, small or big. Yes, today I did not quit and for that I am thankful.
I dragged myself into the beloved elliptical, with everything in me screaming to just walk away. With much resistance and great hesitation, I changed my clothes and slipped on the shoes. Today would be the same journey, with the same songs (yawn), and the same sweat flying and desperate prayers being thrown up to Jesus.
Halfway through my gig, my calf felt as though it were being ripped to shreds and my back began to ache. These were the familiar pains of the body that begged of me to stop, to just give up halfway through. But desperate for a breakthrough, I pressed on. I have been asking myself the reasoning behind why I am doing what I am doing. And a few answers came to mind, with great assurance in tow.
I am not a quitter and can do all things with Jesus in the middle of it. I believe in myself enough to not let me get in the way, even when it seems an all-out war will break out. I have dreams that I can't just sleep away. I will not be defined by how I look or even how I feel, but by the very choices I make each day, small or big. Yes, today I did not quit and for that I am thankful.
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