Saturday, July 2, 2016
Breaking The Silence
Life has a way of reminding you that you're a tiny little speck on a big blue dot that is rotating at a mere 1000 miles per hour and we are all just literally hanging on and trying to catch up. Several years ago I began a journey of health and wholeness, recognizing that in fact my body is a temple where Christ lives. But more than that, I wanted to be free, free even from an addiction to sugar. So I went 100 days without sugar. Brutal, it was brutal. Truth be known, I've had a problem with sugar my entire life. It had become an addiction, and honestly, an idol. Because there were days that I loved sugar more than I loved Jesus and when God spoke those words in Exodus 20:3 about not having any other gods or idols before Him, He wasn't messing around. As a child, my whole-hearted answer was "No problem Jesus, I love You!" Now as a grown adult who's circled around the sun one too many times to count, I find myself much like the Israelites wandering around the same dumb mountain instead of living in the Promised Land that God was trying to give them because I am too stubborn and stiff-necked and frankly am the god of my own little universe sometimes. So I've been thinking, and praying, and seeking. And I took one step on January 1 of 2016. The journey? 1 year, 365 days, of no sugar. Why? Because I am slaying giants and crushing idols because I'm not messing around anymore. That is who God has called and created me to be and I can continue to be enslaved to the things of the world that constantly lure and entice and just like Adam and Eve, I can be robbed of an entire garden because of one tree. Or I can rise up with strength and courage and say I'm all in, I am going to live in my Promised Land. So I am now on day 184 of a fast from sugar. It's anything but fast; slow, agonizing, wrestling this stubborn flesh of mine. But the journey has been beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful. When I stop teasing myself with things that never satisfy, I can then get lost in the wonder of a God who is so beautiful, stunning and brilliant. And when I choose to lose it all; my pride, my cherished idols, my feel good addictions, my way of life as I've always known it, then and only then am I given everything instead; the very keys to the Kingdom. Crushing idols and slaying giants. Don't let the silence fool you, God and I are waging war together. And He's inviting you to do the same.....I promise it's far, far greater, richer and more rewarding than the little kingdom of self we tirelessly work to construct. Wage war friend, you were created for this.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, Same God, Different Me
We've all experienced failure in some way, be it big or be it small. There's the time in high school when I was in Honduras. The power had gone out, it was late, we were having church by candlelight and I found myself lulled into a gaze of weariness and hunger. I was on the end of the tiniest bench I've ever sat on, there were 6 or 7 little girls on the other end. The pastor told the congregation to stand, and as you can imagine everyone stood but me which meant I flipped the bench and went crashing to the floor. Oh my, good times-I haven't been back since. :)
I've spent much time the last two weeks reflecting, and I've been able to see more clearly why I felt the way I did as I closed out 2013. I started out the year strong with an incredible mission to Haiti where God and I found Roberta and brought her home, talk about a mountaintop experience. Then I came home energized, fueled and ready to hit it hard. I had begun feeling convicted about my weight and health on the way home from Haiti, and then I received a prophetic word from a dear sister a few months later that would only confirm what God had been trying to tell me all along. "Tara, I have amazing, incredible plans for your life but if you don't get your health in order you'll never be able to do what I've called you to do." And that was the day I truly woke up.
A couple of weeks later I began a 100 day fast from sugar, then slowly began to incorporate protein smoothies. After a couple of months I had lost 33 pounds and felt incredible. Then I became sick with kidney stones and after surgery would spend a month on pain killers, sleeping and feeling so weak. The summer would hit and would be 50+ hour work weeks and then I would go through one of the most difficult things I've experienced since being in Texas; losing one of my closest friends and having to find a new place to live and quickly. The last few months of the year I felt confused, hurt, angry, and hopeless. The weight began to pile back on and I'd sit and look at my dog and the shattered pieces of my dreams littered all over my heart. It became a year of survival, I felt like such a failure in so many ways and in the deepest of places. There was so much shame, guilt, failure, and fear at what the future would hold.
Fast forward to now, here I am on the 5th day of this new year. My toes are cold and my heart is warm and my faith has been stirred these last few weeks about a God who is unchanging, who never gives up, who makes the impossible...possible. After blowing off the dust collected over the last few months, it turns out I still have dreams and they are very much alive. My theme and one word for this year is expectant, expectant in a way that will bring pain and labor but will birth something new and beautiful. And as any pregnant mother would tell you there's a time of nesting, this kind of preparation and busyness leading up to what will come. It seems to be a way of preparing the heart and mind for what's to come in the body.
I've been nesting, the cupboards have been cleaned and the last bag of cookies tossed out. I spent my evening peeling carrots, washing grapes, and boiling eggs. Everything is packed, the colors are bright, the hope is real. Tomorrow begins my new journey. No sugar, eating healthier, Zeal for life, attempting to work out, and hungering for more of God and His Word over this carnal flesh that has stood in my way of the more of God. But it's not just about a physical change, but about a heart change. It can no longer be about falling down, but about getting it up and trying again. I want nothing less than what God has for me and in the deepest of places I want to make my Daddy proud, in every way. No more shame, no more excuses, no more surviving. After all, the battle does belong to the Lord, I need only show up. So tomorrow, I'll show up. And I'll bring my broccoli shreds and carrot sticks and watch in amazement at what God will do. After all, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13
I've spent much time the last two weeks reflecting, and I've been able to see more clearly why I felt the way I did as I closed out 2013. I started out the year strong with an incredible mission to Haiti where God and I found Roberta and brought her home, talk about a mountaintop experience. Then I came home energized, fueled and ready to hit it hard. I had begun feeling convicted about my weight and health on the way home from Haiti, and then I received a prophetic word from a dear sister a few months later that would only confirm what God had been trying to tell me all along. "Tara, I have amazing, incredible plans for your life but if you don't get your health in order you'll never be able to do what I've called you to do." And that was the day I truly woke up.
A couple of weeks later I began a 100 day fast from sugar, then slowly began to incorporate protein smoothies. After a couple of months I had lost 33 pounds and felt incredible. Then I became sick with kidney stones and after surgery would spend a month on pain killers, sleeping and feeling so weak. The summer would hit and would be 50+ hour work weeks and then I would go through one of the most difficult things I've experienced since being in Texas; losing one of my closest friends and having to find a new place to live and quickly. The last few months of the year I felt confused, hurt, angry, and hopeless. The weight began to pile back on and I'd sit and look at my dog and the shattered pieces of my dreams littered all over my heart. It became a year of survival, I felt like such a failure in so many ways and in the deepest of places. There was so much shame, guilt, failure, and fear at what the future would hold.
Fast forward to now, here I am on the 5th day of this new year. My toes are cold and my heart is warm and my faith has been stirred these last few weeks about a God who is unchanging, who never gives up, who makes the impossible...possible. After blowing off the dust collected over the last few months, it turns out I still have dreams and they are very much alive. My theme and one word for this year is expectant, expectant in a way that will bring pain and labor but will birth something new and beautiful. And as any pregnant mother would tell you there's a time of nesting, this kind of preparation and busyness leading up to what will come. It seems to be a way of preparing the heart and mind for what's to come in the body.
I've been nesting, the cupboards have been cleaned and the last bag of cookies tossed out. I spent my evening peeling carrots, washing grapes, and boiling eggs. Everything is packed, the colors are bright, the hope is real. Tomorrow begins my new journey. No sugar, eating healthier, Zeal for life, attempting to work out, and hungering for more of God and His Word over this carnal flesh that has stood in my way of the more of God. But it's not just about a physical change, but about a heart change. It can no longer be about falling down, but about getting it up and trying again. I want nothing less than what God has for me and in the deepest of places I want to make my Daddy proud, in every way. No more shame, no more excuses, no more surviving. After all, the battle does belong to the Lord, I need only show up. So tomorrow, I'll show up. And I'll bring my broccoli shreds and carrot sticks and watch in amazement at what God will do. After all, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
It Is Finished!
It's been 100 days, that first day seeming so far away from the here and now. The dread I woke up with that Monday morning was enough to continue a pattern of snooze for the rest of my life. Could I do it? Would I do it? The odds were against me, only time would tell. And with today being the hundredth day, I've learned a few things along the way.
When returning from Haiti this past January, I felt so convicted. This idea of eating for pleasure, fulfilling one craving at a time, was taking ownership of my life in ways I never intended. You could see the hunger burn fierce in the eyes of those precious children, unrelenting tears of frustration just longing for food, anything, just food to eat. And no matter how much I tried to deny it or coax over it, the truth of the matter was this: My excess was someone else's need. And the thought hit me, "What if I ate for survival instead of pleasure? What if I learned to live as so many Haitians are forced to?" Then time did anything but stand still and the thought became a mere fragment of the past.
A few months later I would be at a girls retreat for work. After giving the morning devotional, a woman of God came up to me and shared this with me: "Tara, God has such incredible plans for you but if you don't get your health and weight in order then you'll miss out." That brisk, Saturday morning as the warmth of the sun's rays began to peek through clouds that hung carelessly above the earth, a tear rolled down my cheek and it was evident that God was speaking.
I could no longer deny the truth, so I prayed. And after a week of praying, all I kept hearing was "100 days of no sugar." So, here I am 100 days later. While the conviction began with my weight and health, God began to show me that the real issue was a heart matter. For far too long, sugar had become an addiction for me, an idol. And that Monday morning, I could deny it no more.
They say it takes time to unlearn habits, to learn new ways of thinking. Have I noticed changes? Of course. I'm down a short size and feel more confident, have lost 33 pounds in the last 3 months, and have learned to appreciate food in new ways. Every meal, I think of those precious children. Every time a cake showed up at the office or a coworker ran to Starbucks, I remembered the purpose of the journey. That for Tara, for me, it's never about the external but the internal. But clearly, my external has flowed from my internal...idols that have been set up over the years from bad habits, lack of discipline, and just the busyness of life.
Do I crave sugar more than I should? Probably. Have I now arrived and figured it all out? Not at all. Will I taste some real sugar in the near future? Definitely. But have I finished the course set before me? Yes. Because the goal was 100 days with no sugar. A little over 3 months later, by God's grace alone, I have finished this race. And I pray for the wisdom, the grace, and the endurance to run the next race He sets out before me...to God alone be the glory for this journey He has carried me through.
When returning from Haiti this past January, I felt so convicted. This idea of eating for pleasure, fulfilling one craving at a time, was taking ownership of my life in ways I never intended. You could see the hunger burn fierce in the eyes of those precious children, unrelenting tears of frustration just longing for food, anything, just food to eat. And no matter how much I tried to deny it or coax over it, the truth of the matter was this: My excess was someone else's need. And the thought hit me, "What if I ate for survival instead of pleasure? What if I learned to live as so many Haitians are forced to?" Then time did anything but stand still and the thought became a mere fragment of the past.
A few months later I would be at a girls retreat for work. After giving the morning devotional, a woman of God came up to me and shared this with me: "Tara, God has such incredible plans for you but if you don't get your health and weight in order then you'll miss out." That brisk, Saturday morning as the warmth of the sun's rays began to peek through clouds that hung carelessly above the earth, a tear rolled down my cheek and it was evident that God was speaking.
I could no longer deny the truth, so I prayed. And after a week of praying, all I kept hearing was "100 days of no sugar." So, here I am 100 days later. While the conviction began with my weight and health, God began to show me that the real issue was a heart matter. For far too long, sugar had become an addiction for me, an idol. And that Monday morning, I could deny it no more.
They say it takes time to unlearn habits, to learn new ways of thinking. Have I noticed changes? Of course. I'm down a short size and feel more confident, have lost 33 pounds in the last 3 months, and have learned to appreciate food in new ways. Every meal, I think of those precious children. Every time a cake showed up at the office or a coworker ran to Starbucks, I remembered the purpose of the journey. That for Tara, for me, it's never about the external but the internal. But clearly, my external has flowed from my internal...idols that have been set up over the years from bad habits, lack of discipline, and just the busyness of life.
Do I crave sugar more than I should? Probably. Have I now arrived and figured it all out? Not at all. Will I taste some real sugar in the near future? Definitely. But have I finished the course set before me? Yes. Because the goal was 100 days with no sugar. A little over 3 months later, by God's grace alone, I have finished this race. And I pray for the wisdom, the grace, and the endurance to run the next race He sets out before me...to God alone be the glory for this journey He has carried me through.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Broken Idols Build The Temple
37 days. That's 7 times 5 plus an additional 2. I'm a little over 1/3 of the way through my 100 Day Sugar Fast. It's crazy how time flies, when I first began it seemed as though one day lasted a week. While it's been easier with each day that passes, it's also presented some challenges along the way. It's unlike any fast I've done before in this; it's not about weight loss, but it's about addiction. The truth is I had a problem with sugar, I was addicted...and so began my journey. It's the broken idols that build the temple.
Cakes and cookies have wafted through the office in glorious decadence, the scent too much at times. It's a constant battle, a redirecting of the mind. Who knew that sugar could look so pretty? Who knew that simple, everyday choices could amount to something unbearable? I didn't. But because it's about breaking addiction, I have to also be careful in my substitutions. Am I finding myself addicted to sugar-free substitutes? For the first time, I can say no. It's the broken idols that build the temple.
One of my favorite stories of the Bible is found in 1 Samuel 5. The Philistines had this false god, this idol, that they worshiped and revered. His name was Dagon and he was the fish-god. They set this idol up in front of the Ark of the Covenant, which housed the presence of God. The next morning they wake up and come in to find the idol flat on it's face before the Ark. They set it back up again, and lo and behold, the next morning they come in to find the idol flat on it's face and this time with both hands broken off. The takeaway? There is nothing, no idol, no addiction, no earthly power, that can set itself up against God and win. Simple. It's the broken idols that build the temple.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and because I was bought with such a high price I should honor God in my body. Sugar was once an idol, addiction has always been a real struggle for me. But because of the power of Christ within me, and because of the presence of God that I carry, that idol had to fall and break-just like Dagon. But it's the broken idols that build the temple, because Christ is rebuilding me the way it was meant to be all along...and I've never been more grateful to be under construction.
Cakes and cookies have wafted through the office in glorious decadence, the scent too much at times. It's a constant battle, a redirecting of the mind. Who knew that sugar could look so pretty? Who knew that simple, everyday choices could amount to something unbearable? I didn't. But because it's about breaking addiction, I have to also be careful in my substitutions. Am I finding myself addicted to sugar-free substitutes? For the first time, I can say no. It's the broken idols that build the temple.
One of my favorite stories of the Bible is found in 1 Samuel 5. The Philistines had this false god, this idol, that they worshiped and revered. His name was Dagon and he was the fish-god. They set this idol up in front of the Ark of the Covenant, which housed the presence of God. The next morning they wake up and come in to find the idol flat on it's face before the Ark. They set it back up again, and lo and behold, the next morning they come in to find the idol flat on it's face and this time with both hands broken off. The takeaway? There is nothing, no idol, no addiction, no earthly power, that can set itself up against God and win. Simple. It's the broken idols that build the temple.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and because I was bought with such a high price I should honor God in my body. Sugar was once an idol, addiction has always been a real struggle for me. But because of the power of Christ within me, and because of the presence of God that I carry, that idol had to fall and break-just like Dagon. But it's the broken idols that build the temple, because Christ is rebuilding me the way it was meant to be all along...and I've never been more grateful to be under construction.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Cookie Dough Confessions
Today I picked up my cookie dough, I'd received 30 calls about it since Friday. It was the dreaded moment I'd hoped to avoid. Having missed lunch today, having discipleship group with 80 5th graders and teaching on the crucifixion of Jesus, I was hungry. And somehow those 2 tubs of carefully selected cookie dough worth $30 seemed that much more appealing.
I had 2 university students in the van with me who had come to help out this week. We had finished dropping the children off and began talking and sharing together. I told them of my 100 day journey to break the addiction of sugar in m life, one spoke of being addicted to sex outside of marriage and because of Jesus she was celebrating 3 years of purity and teaching other young women about who they are in Christ. The other spoke of her 5 months of freedom from cutting and self-injuring that Jesus had freed her from and it was in those quiet moments that I realized something.
All is grace when shared in the shadow of the cross. It was no small thing that today's message was about the highest price that Christ paid for our freedom, and of all the students that could have been in my van it was these two, both of whom are staying in different host homes this week. With a sheepish grin on my face I knew what I was to do. Handing them each a tub of cookie dough I congratulated them on their new-found freedom and I told them I wanted them to celebrate with their peers tonight, to lift up prayers of thanks to a God who would rescue them, and not only rescue but restore.
It doesn't matter what your hang up is, because Jesus was hung up so you could be free of your hang ups. It's all good but it's all God. Confessions of a struggle through the unplanned bad chapters of our lives, the excitement and passion of one who's been freed and so desperately wants other young women to know what she had to learn the hard way, and the freely giving and blessing of cookie dough that once would've been a stumbling block, yes all is grace. And when all is grace and every line of every chapter in our stories is written within the shadow of the cross, then and only then can so beautiful a community arise and together, yes we are better together. Grace and peace.
I had 2 university students in the van with me who had come to help out this week. We had finished dropping the children off and began talking and sharing together. I told them of my 100 day journey to break the addiction of sugar in m life, one spoke of being addicted to sex outside of marriage and because of Jesus she was celebrating 3 years of purity and teaching other young women about who they are in Christ. The other spoke of her 5 months of freedom from cutting and self-injuring that Jesus had freed her from and it was in those quiet moments that I realized something.
All is grace when shared in the shadow of the cross. It was no small thing that today's message was about the highest price that Christ paid for our freedom, and of all the students that could have been in my van it was these two, both of whom are staying in different host homes this week. With a sheepish grin on my face I knew what I was to do. Handing them each a tub of cookie dough I congratulated them on their new-found freedom and I told them I wanted them to celebrate with their peers tonight, to lift up prayers of thanks to a God who would rescue them, and not only rescue but restore.
It doesn't matter what your hang up is, because Jesus was hung up so you could be free of your hang ups. It's all good but it's all God. Confessions of a struggle through the unplanned bad chapters of our lives, the excitement and passion of one who's been freed and so desperately wants other young women to know what she had to learn the hard way, and the freely giving and blessing of cookie dough that once would've been a stumbling block, yes all is grace. And when all is grace and every line of every chapter in our stories is written within the shadow of the cross, then and only then can so beautiful a community arise and together, yes we are better together. Grace and peace.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Short and Sweet
I don't have much to say today, simply out of pure exhaustion. Yesterday I went to San Antonio and back, tomorrow I am teaching a group of 90 5th graders, and I am operating on 5 hours of sleep. With that being said, I'm so thankful to God for His grace which has sustained me and carried me thus far. Day 7 is complete, and with that being said, we are still on target-no sugar. I feel good, I feel better, I feel confident knowing that I am taking one step to a healthier me. I have been so overwhelmed by the love, support, encouragement, Scriptures, texts, emails, etc. that so many of you have shown, thank you...I am truly humbled. For now, it's off to Zzz land and hopefully tomorrow will start with a green smoothie! Grace and peace.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Remembering
Today I remembered. It's the first time in months that I've remembered. In fleeting moments of self-gratification something hushed me, the Spirit halted me. Needing to get on the road to pick up a group of university students who were coming to serve, this morning was a mad dash. Breakfast-skipped. All I had was a small bag of chips and a drink, so finally at 4:00 I had lunch. It was a small quesadilla, my hunger was fierce. Ready to go order something else, to give into that demanding flesh at a moment's notice (which was very much legitimate and valid), something stopped me. It was then I remembered.
I remembered my little brothers and sisters in Haiti, the way their smiles lit up a world full of darkness. I remember the tears in their eyes as they told me of their unrelenting hunger. I remember how hard it was to eat a simple meal as hungry orphans watched from a distance. I remembered the way I felt so convicted after living there for 2 weeks for so many reasons but for one in particular. In Haiti, they eat for survival. In America, I eat for pleasure. Thanking God for my simple quesadilla, I remembered.
Tonight I'm at a dinner with friends and colleagues after 7 hours on the road. It's dessert time around here, cakes and ice cream galore. While it'd be so simple to cave for a fleeting moment of pleasure, tonight I remember. And somehow deep within I truly believe that every single choice I make is for better, as long as I stay the course. And tonight, my "no" is someone else's "yes"...praying that God will feed the hungry children of the world and that somehow, my excess would fill someone else's need. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me, I'm forever grateful. Grace and peace.
I remembered my little brothers and sisters in Haiti, the way their smiles lit up a world full of darkness. I remember the tears in their eyes as they told me of their unrelenting hunger. I remember how hard it was to eat a simple meal as hungry orphans watched from a distance. I remembered the way I felt so convicted after living there for 2 weeks for so many reasons but for one in particular. In Haiti, they eat for survival. In America, I eat for pleasure. Thanking God for my simple quesadilla, I remembered.
Tonight I'm at a dinner with friends and colleagues after 7 hours on the road. It's dessert time around here, cakes and ice cream galore. While it'd be so simple to cave for a fleeting moment of pleasure, tonight I remember. And somehow deep within I truly believe that every single choice I make is for better, as long as I stay the course. And tonight, my "no" is someone else's "yes"...praying that God will feed the hungry children of the world and that somehow, my excess would fill someone else's need. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me, I'm forever grateful. Grace and peace.
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