We've all experienced failure in some way, be it big or be it small. There's the time in high school when I was in Honduras. The power had gone out, it was late, we were having church by candlelight and I found myself lulled into a gaze of weariness and hunger. I was on the end of the tiniest bench I've ever sat on, there were 6 or 7 little girls on the other end. The pastor told the congregation to stand, and as you can imagine everyone stood but me which meant I flipped the bench and went crashing to the floor. Oh my, good times-I haven't been back since. :)
I've spent much time the last two weeks reflecting, and I've been able to see more clearly why I felt the way I did as I closed out 2013. I started out the year strong with an incredible mission to Haiti where God and I found Roberta and brought her home, talk about a mountaintop experience. Then I came home energized, fueled and ready to hit it hard. I had begun feeling convicted about my weight and health on the way home from Haiti, and then I received a prophetic word from a dear sister a few months later that would only confirm what God had been trying to tell me all along. "Tara, I have amazing, incredible plans for your life but if you don't get your health in order you'll never be able to do what I've called you to do." And that was the day I truly woke up.
A couple of weeks later I began a 100 day fast from sugar, then slowly began to incorporate protein smoothies. After a couple of months I had lost 33 pounds and felt incredible. Then I became sick with kidney stones and after surgery would spend a month on pain killers, sleeping and feeling so weak. The summer would hit and would be 50+ hour work weeks and then I would go through one of the most difficult things I've experienced since being in Texas; losing one of my closest friends and having to find a new place to live and quickly. The last few months of the year I felt confused, hurt, angry, and hopeless. The weight began to pile back on and I'd sit and look at my dog and the shattered pieces of my dreams littered all over my heart. It became a year of survival, I felt like such a failure in so many ways and in the deepest of places. There was so much shame, guilt, failure, and fear at what the future would hold.
Fast forward to now, here I am on the 5th day of this new year. My toes are cold and my heart is warm and my faith has been stirred these last few weeks about a God who is unchanging, who never gives up, who makes the impossible...possible. After blowing off the dust collected over the last few months, it turns out I still have dreams and they are very much alive. My theme and one word for this year is expectant, expectant in a way that will bring pain and labor but will birth something new and beautiful. And as any pregnant mother would tell you there's a time of nesting, this kind of preparation and busyness leading up to what will come. It seems to be a way of preparing the heart and mind for what's to come in the body.
I've been nesting, the cupboards have been cleaned and the last bag of cookies tossed out. I spent my evening peeling carrots, washing grapes, and boiling eggs. Everything is packed, the colors are bright, the hope is real. Tomorrow begins my new journey. No sugar, eating healthier, Zeal for life, attempting to work out, and hungering for more of God and His Word over this carnal flesh that has stood in my way of the more of God. But it's not just about a physical change, but about a heart change. It can no longer be about falling down, but about getting it up and trying again. I want nothing less than what God has for me and in the deepest of places I want to make my Daddy proud, in every way. No more shame, no more excuses, no more surviving. After all, the battle does belong to the Lord, I need only show up. So tomorrow, I'll show up. And I'll bring my broccoli shreds and carrot sticks and watch in amazement at what God will do. After all, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13
